I’m not sure you will ever read this piece. And even if you did, I’m even certain it will not make any much difference.Most of You will always be the pickiest,most annoying, finger-pointing, judgemental people I have met in my life. However, I understand that I have in many ways – knowingly or unknowingly, given you enough reasons to expect that kind of attitude towards me.
So,before you rush to judge me for writing this as I’m sure you have already, Listen, you can disown me in your minds for all I care. Just do it already. This is not a sympathy or attention seeking attempt. I’m not trying to concoct more excuses or lies. I’m not trying to manipulate you. Okay, truth be told, it’s easier for you to think that way. It’s what gives your minds meaning anyway. But, I’m really, actually trying to tell you something meaningful.
This is my reality. You know how you’ve been calling my mother and making her feel like a loser mum because her first born has not achieved much yet? And you keep saying she has a Lazy girl. Yes, I know that. I know she feels bad about that. She hates the super annoying endless recommendations of doctors she should take me to, some of you even trying to diagnose me through the phone when you have actually never met me in real life. How could You?, One Cousin ten times Removed recommended a WITCH DOCTOR because apparently, I might have been bewitched? Well You guys be irritating sometimes. But I totally get it, I’d freak too if my other relatives weren’t as successful as I was, because then, they would solicit money from me. Right? But this woman. My mum. She ends the conversation with her relatives, mostly just puts the phone down like the conversation didn’t happen and fake a smile when I appear – Thank The Almighty, but whenever I overhear it, she recollects her energy and reminds me I’ll be fine. See, the reason she has not hated you all is that she believes you all have no idea what I’m going through. So I’ll try to simplify it for you here.
Every new day brings a new set of issues for me. Some days I can’t get out of bed. I just can’t. Not because I just want to snooze my alarm and grab some more sleep until 7.05am. Not because I’m Lazy – as you all say. But because my body fails. I suddenly get this Fatigue. I suddenly can’t move my hands or legs. Sometimes I can’t feel my body at all. Some days I’m so moody I shut you all out of my life and sulk. Sometimes I’m so low functioning to function at all. So Clumsy to go out at all. Most times my whole body goes on strike. My head and my back paired with my lower abdomen, my hands and my feet, all hurt. My Will to live all gone. Tell me again how I’m supposed to live normally when my whole body threatens to shut down. You Tell me aunty Speakerphone or You second cousin removed whatever your name is.
When I was at my ugliest about 5 years ago and needed help doing even the simplest task, when I needed to be reminded I was just as important now as I was when I was healthy, my mom and my brother were still here trying their best. And now years later, they are still here, celebrating my smallest Wins – me being able to get out of bed today. That’s my kind of WIN. Everyone slowly sinking into depression for me – mine was however unmatched and I lost all hope. I drew my death plan in my head. You might also judge me for being suicidal, but what to do when you have Chronic Pain.
Do you know how much money I’ve watched my mum pour into my not so effective medication? Well, it turns out all you know how to do is to ask why I’m not getting a job and moving out yet. Why can’t she get a job in an office setting where movement is minimal? How about you find her a simpler task? How about a business? Can’t she handle that? Why isn’t she married yet like her younger cousins? Why doesn’t she just have a child like her cousin Terri and June?
Well, Aunt Becky Speakerphone or whatever your second name really is, it turns out I have Chronic pain, endometriosis, PCOS- that also causes my Insulin resistance . I do not know what to say about fertility, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and I don’t think I can do much with this kind of body. I think I need a new one. But I’ll let you know when my current subscription expires so you can find me a better body plan. But maybe, Just maybe, instead of judging me and labeling me lazy, why not just hope that no other person or God forbid your children end up with Chronic Pain. Trust me, only someone with Chronic Pain has had enough pain to not wish it upon their worst enemy. I would know.
Finally, I want you to know that some days I am not excited about life. I just try to survive. I want to be Okay like your children. I want to see my dreams come true, I want to advance my education. I still want to accomplish big things –
make you all proud My Mama proud. The problem is, I NEED TO STOP FEELING SICK FIRST .