Sometimes, I wish people knew exactly what I mean when I say “I am fine.” I wish they understood that My “I am fine” is so different from theirs. The three words that are the easiest escape from a long list of follow up questions that I don’t want to be apart of.
What if I told you I am not fine? Wouldn’t you throw in a “what’s wrong?Tell me…” Blablabla and that part where I have to explain every tiny detail of what has happened in my life is what I was sweetly mumbling to escape in the first place.
What if I really decided to explain my whole life to you? What if I had to explain to you how I feel, how my body doesn’t want to do what it was meant to do, how I’m really suffering silently and you wouldn’t understand? Would you be willing to sacrifice your forever to listen to me? Well I didn’t think so. That is why I said I’m fine.
Would you want to hear that I have to battle every day with my immune system to remain relevant or do it the hard way by doing nothing but resting all day? Would you listen to me trying to explain to you how the pain I felt is incomparable to passing a kidney stone? I didn’t think you would get it that far either.
I will smile as I say “I’m fine.” Not because I am actually fine, but because I am so tired. So tired of explaining what I feel. So tired of justifying my illness. So tired of trying. So tired of being misunderstood. So tired of the Pain. So tired of the pain medication. So tired of the doctor’s appointments. So tired of the nagging relatives being all over the place wondering why my life is kinda stalling.
It could be that, I’m straight up Lying. I’m feeling Horrible but explaining it doesn’t benefit either one of us. I don’t want you all to see me as ever complaining. So there you have it. I am fine.
It’s also possible that I’m having a Good Pain Day today. Right? And of course you won’t want to know if it’s the medication from the doctor you recommended that is actually working or a different story altogether.
I could be pretending to feel fine to help myself cope with the pain better. Who knows? It’s a mystery, right? That’s the problem with people with Chronic illnesses. You just never know. We don’t even understand our own bodies. I could be all hyped up now, and a few seconds later I want to lay down.
I know you don’t really care how I am really feeling because you have problems of your own.
I don’t feel well but explaining it doesn’t lessen my pain sweetheart. I will still feel every bit of it. I’ll still cry silently. And you will still doubt my illness and worse dismiss it like everyone else. So I will just say, I am fine.