My day starts
tomorrow… Never. My alarm goes off at 5.30am and I do what I always do best. Reach out my hand and press anywhere on the phone that I place at arm’s reach. It snoozes 3 more times before I open my eyes and decide to actually turn it off. I know it’s a risky game especially when you have a busy day ahead. But I got to listen to my body today.
Somebody asked me how I’m feeling today and I didn’t know what to answer. So I blatantly said I had canceled my subscription for the day. I will try again tomorrow.
I don’t know if anyone actually understands what living with Chronic Pain feels like and getting chronic fatigue as a counter mechanism of the muscles trying to survive the pain by making you so tired to actually function. It drains your energy both physically and emotionally. It literally shuts down the system. The pain makes you feel constantly irritated, agitated, tense and stressed over even the tiniest of issues. How I cope with that kind of anger and anxiety? I give in to my chronic fatigue syndrome and unsubscribe from the day.
No, the pain meds don’t always help. Pain is my constant companion even when I’m on medication. I just try to fake smile to hide my desperation because I know you don’t care anyway.
Since the first time I woke up to chronic pain_ and the many miserable years it took to finally have a diagnosis attached to it, I have to admit that My life has changed in so many ways. The pain changed how I use my time and energy, what jobs (if any) I’m able to do_even though many people still don’t understand this concept and every single relationship I have. My body decides what engagements it wants to be apart of. Where and when I go, how intense the engagement is and how long that said relationship actually lasts. This is as bad as it sounds.
All Most of the relationships : friendly or romantic, that I’ve had to let go of, was in-part because of my chronic pain _chronic fatigue syndrome. Relationships don’t work well with canceled subscriptions, you have to do it each day and my body sometimes just doesn’t want to cooperate.
Bottomline, living with Chronic Pain every day is an adventure. It feels more like a roller-coaster. Sometimes it’s up, other times it’s down here _mostly down for me. Some days it’s easier than others. Sometimes it’s hard to even start the day at all. We never really know how much pain to expect or in how much pain we will be tomorrow and how much it will change throughout the day. It’s a mystery for us too.
Please don’t ask me how I’m handling it today. Heck, even my doctor has no idea what I am feeling. He does not understand anything I tell him 95 % of the time I’m in pain. He just keeps guessing.